Old people have invented a particularly creative term for sending nude photos of yourself to your fellow students: sexting. And because they’re not exactly thrilled about us showing each other our primary and secondary genitals, there are always educational and media campaigns to warn and discourage us from sending our own exposed bodies across the Internet. Since we are all aware of the benefits of such initiatives, namely none at all, and that professors, who are always loudly and publicly outraged, probably jerk off themselves first when they discover photos of their own students on the Internet, here are some valuable tips for digital nude photos – so that you don’t end up looking too stupid when half the campus gets their hands on them.
Every few weeks, the internet pours out more bad than respectable nude leaks of some mostly third-rate celebrities who look as if a paparazzo had just frightened them through the bathroom window while taking a shit. Bad light, even worse pose, worst resolution. Who wants to go down in history like that? If you take the trouble to show off your uncovered body, you must celebrate it in a way that blows everyone else’s mind and never again questions yourself and your views on life.
So beware of quickly making any filthy pictures of your breasts with bra marks or of your pussy covered with stubble, lint and white snot. Put on make-up, style yourself, wash yourself and your hair. And shave if you’re not one of those girls who celebrate the warming bush and don’t want to look like a grade school girl down there. Just try a little harder, because you don’t want to make the same amateurish mistake as so many other gullible people before you and, worst of all, you don’t want to be forced to do nudes in the most inhuman way between two important dates, which you can only feel sorry for afterwards. Because regret is a terrible feeling.
Nothing is more embarrassing than a naked picture of you looking like an 80s porn star. Don’t throw make-up and lipstick in your face, don’t pose as if a horse from another dimension is about to run into you from behind and don’t lick your drooling mouth lasciviously. Nobody wants to see that! The more natural you look the more sexually attractive you feel and are to others. Stand or lie down normally, look sexy but not exaggerated, and refrain from stupid gestures like duckface, poses from movies or the peace sign stretched into the camera.
If you look sexy in a natural and self-confident way, even in nude pictures, you gain the respect of the viewer as well as your own. Literally everyone is able to undress and make pictures of themselves. But bringing out the magic of someone’s naked body is something that very few people can do. Even girls with the most beautiful aura, the brightest eyes and the hottest smile have already stumbled upon one thing: A room peppered with rubbish. Because in the photos that you blow into the world like this, not only yourself can be seen, but also your relentlessly portrayed open life.
Dirty underwear mountains on the floor, filthy bottles full of Mountain Dew on the cluttered desk, old pink teddy bears on the cupboard, embarrassing children photos of your preschool years on the wall and, best of all, your vibrating best friend on the bed – by sexting you sometimes confess more to the world than you want to. So either make sure you find a place in your room that doesn’t look like World War III has just broken out, or escape to another room – preferably the bathroom. And if you decide to take a picture of yourself through a mirror, clean it first! Streaks and stains have been the absolute doom of many sisters before you.
Anyone who, for whatever reason, still runs around with his flip-up and almost falling apart Razr from Motorola knows how shitty some built-in mobile phone cameras can be. And everything you photograph with it looks like shit. Which means for you: Your body looks like shit. Either you use the latest technology for sexting, i.e. the brand new iPhone, a very good Android gadget or an expensive SLR camera, or the exact opposite: analogue, i.e. the good old Polaroid format, which makes you look even more creative. Sexting? No: It’s fuckin’ art!
Pixelated pictures of your cunt may hide some details, but basically it only means one thing: In the end everybody knows that you sent nude pictures. The only problem is: You look like 2003 on them. And you really don’t want to do that to yourself. Or anyone else out there. If you’re doing a nude selfie for the first time in your life, you might be a little overwhelmed with the possibilities of exposure. How much do I show? What do I show? How close do I show it? Does my face have to be on it? Is someone out there fetishizing my oddly shaped feet?
First of all: photos of your body, on which you have cut off your face due to an apparent anonymity, seem to be the most logical at the beginning, but the real eroticism unfolds only when your eyes can be seen. They are the key to digital and, if we are honest, analog sexuality. But you don’t have to cram a whole mutated zucchini through your extended labia deep into your uterus with your legs spread wide apart to attract even the slightest bit of attention. Start small, show only one nipple at first – and if you feel comfortable afterwards, maybe more. Don’t let yourself or your horny counterpart rush you.
Yes, the temptation is huge to just brush away your full-grown fat rolls, stretch marks or the cellulite that suddenly appeared after the pictures were taken with Photoshop, Facetune or Afterlight, but the problem is that you’re just not great with any of those apps. In the end the background bends or the colors don’t fit or your body looks like a cartoon character – and that’s embarrassing. Plan ahead before you take the pictures so that all the problem areas that you might want to hide are not necessarily visible. And find an advantageous pose in which your whole belly doesn’t stick to the chair or both of your sagging breasts, for whatever reason you already have them, swing left and right.
If you want, you can either use an Instagram filter to adjust the contrast and color levels to make you look better, or go for black and white. If your little brother then finds your pictures on the Internet, you can at least say in your defense that you took them for an art project. Or something like that. It’s best to take as many photos of you as possible, with different facial expressions, poses, angles. Once with and once without self-timer, once from near, once from far. Afterwards you can choose in peace and quiet which pictures you want to release and which ones will be deleted.
Be very careful and pay attention to every imaginable detail in the selected photos. Because you have to consider: Each of these little time bombs can theoretically be exactly the picture that bites you in the ass in a couple of months or years – and you have to be able to stand by it one hundred percent. It’s best to delete all the original pictures you don’t need from your camera, your mobile phone and your computer forever. And your USB sticks, and your CDs, and your floppy disks. And from the cloud. So that the whole folder “My Pussy 2020” won’t appear on the next university computer in the end.
If you’re already a bit advanced in this area, you’re welcome to become more creative. At some point, you’ll get tired of standing in front of your mirror and taking blunt full-screen photos of your stature one after the other. Selfies can be so much more exciting than that. Whether you’re driving to the nearby forest to sit in white socks on a tree, taking an unprecedented nudist trip through Southeast Asia, or pressing yourself into your favorite nerd costume just to have a clear view of what’s going on in the right places: sexting can be fun!
And you don’t have to be alone with the camera – get your very best friends, your current lover or your just recently popped out kitten, as long as you don’t do anything forbidden with the little bundle – that won’t go down very well with the masses out there. Whomever you send the photos in the end, you can be sure: Sooner or later they will show up on the internet! Either because your ex-boyfriend is mad at you and uploads revenge porn on YouPorn in a horny moment, because the constant synchronisation with your devices automatically sucks every little piece of crap into the net – or because you simply publish the wrong picture on Facebook.
Therefore three things are especially important. First: You must not have a problem with other people seeing you naked – whether it’s your colleagues, your friends or your family. Second: You have to be sure that you only send photos that you stand a 100 percent behind. And third: Be mentally prepared for it. It’s not the end of the world if total strangers see your tits. After all, 50 percent of the world’s population and quite a few fat guys also have breasts (and mostly uglier ones…) – and even a pussy is nothing special. Don t let you be bullied either! Most people who bullshit you have the most problems with themselves. It’s best to ignore them and live a more sexually fulfilling life with a new experience in your mental luggage.