Since your teens, you’ve obviously been an enormous rap fan and back then you used to masturbate to Eminem like girls masturbate to Drake nowadays. Your biggest wish is to be the woman standing beside a strong, successful, and somehow dangerous man. But let me warn you: Bothering bouncers and being a groupie, won’t bring you true love: To be honest, it’s really shitty to date a rapper. In case you still might consider it a good idea, here are some guidelines for you.
The Hipster Rapper
The wet dream of any 13-year-old: well dressed, rather funny and blessed with a voice that implies not only „whiskey“ but much „sex“ – despite most of his fans not even knowing how to do that. He has spent the past years in the studio, on tour or at award shows. His hits have dominated both the international rap scene and mainstream media.
Because he is in total awareness of his looks and success, he enjoys flirting. Despite his charisma, it’s virtually impossible to go on a normal date with him. It might be your thing if you don’t mind standing in as the photographer of hyperventilating teens. But your life goal might not include acquiring a collection of pictures in which your guy stares blankly into space and has his arms around snotty teenagers’ shoulders. So you two only meet at home.
Most of your shared evenings will consist of hanging out, ordering Pizza, and getting stoned. You’ve found someone who keeps ridiculous amounts of your favorite drug at home, every once in a while, he’ll make you a present of limited sneakers and jokingly open the door in his birthday suit, so obviously, you are going to be delighted – in the beginning.
He and his band are opinion leaders of an entire generation, so in the end, you’ll be investing more time in blocking wacky stalkers on Facebook and Instagram, than effectively being fucked. Besides, you’d be completely naïve to think that you are the only one. He has reached that point of popularity, where it’s not just „cash rules everything around me“ but also „groupies rule everything around me“.
The difficulty doesn’t just lie in the constant supply of pussy, but rather the long-term effects of constant approval on your guy’s brain. If you criticize him, he’ll blow up like a damn diva. If neither those occasional mood swings nor the side chick policy bothers you and you can deal with him taking days to answer your texts, then you might just be the perfect couple. You’ve got to deal with the fact that you’ll always come in second. Be patient, since his main bitch’s name is music.
The Gangster Rapper
Poor language skills, bomber jacket, BMW: the gangster rapper doesn’t just pretend to be from the ghetto, he actually is. But neither his dropped apprenticeship as a mechanic, nor his missing middle school diploma have hindered him in pursuing his dreams. So today he can take out those ladies who would have never even looked at him back then. He’ll take them to restaurants, which he couldn’t have afforded. Despite his criminal record, this type is an old school gentleman: he is friendly, polite, attentive and calls you „Baby,“ and he knows exactly what position you should be in: either on your back or in the kitchen.
But while you’re on tour together, he’ll invite you into the most expensive hotels, indulge into lingerie, he bought you recently, while he orders champagne and coke via room service. These nights will give you that Bonnie and Clyde vibe. But in the light of dusk, you won’t just realize his back hair, but also the fact that life can’t be like in the movies and after all you just ended up in one of his cliche and idiotic music videos. You are the exchangeable, slutty supporting role.
It does have it’s advantages to date a guy whose upper arms are nearly as big as his ego. If you get into trouble with any gang, he and his entourage will solve the trouble for you. In case you are one of those women who want to keep their dignity, take it and lock it up together with your feelings, before he can say „Baby, I really like you“ one more time without meaning it.
The only thing this type of guy really likes is being in control. You’ll only be his girl for as long as the kitchen is clean, you don’t go out without him and courteously give blowjobs. Don’t let his muscles, the drug parties, or presents fool you. After all, he is a hobo in a musician costume. His money can’t make up for his lack of intelligence. You can get the boy out of the hood, but you’ll never get the hood out of the boy.
The Drug Rapper
What began as a singular joint in the schools’ bathroom, resulted in a life filled with excessive consumption of alcohol, prescription meds, and illegal substances. Now the drug rapper benefits from these experiences: his funny lyrics paint a picture of a rebellious youth that hasn’t ended until this day. He’s that kind of guy who always has considered himself to cool for anything, which is why he doesn’t care about other peoples’ opinions.
On your first date in a shabby bar, everyone celebrates him as a legend, and his childish sense of humor will be the one thing making everything bearable. No worries, on your first date, he is most likely not on ketamine. But if he asks you to come to his place, don’t go. Because despite his DUI he arrived in his junk car and may very likely have more in his system than those drinks, he didn’t treat you to. But how would he be able to afford those without a hit in the top 10 charts?
He is the right guy for you if you are currently rebelling against your parents. They will hate him. He’ll finally give you the courage to do drugs that previously intimidated you. The world will feel endless to you and his old car will be a ticket to freedom. However, if you take the wrong turn and end up in bat country, you’ll find yourself paying for the cheap wine boxes with recycling deposit. Consider this the beginning of the end. It will take you a few nights in his beer bottle surrounded bed to notice he needs sleep meds every night and speed has forced him to take viagra to fuck, which is basically the definition of a loser.
You can easily imagine your future relationship as an endless cycle of fights about the last trip and the next fuck. That’s not just exhausting, but painfully pathetic. There are other ways to waste your youth. Don’t spend it with a rapper whose brain will deteriorate to a degree, that he’ll have forgotten who you are by the time he dies of liver failure when he is forty.
The Emo Rapper
The emo rapper is a phenomenon beyond compare. Because he is so down to earth, he made sure to get a decent education before his rap career began: media design. Behind the scenes, he is a very relaxed guy, but that doesn’t keep his songs from being acoustic depression: societal criticism, self-reflection, almost poetic.
Put all that together and you’ve got a human being who is interested in the beautiful, sentimental, and serious things in life. A person you’ve been looking for your entire life. Together you can spend nights talking about intellectual topics, drink wine and fall asleep cuddling on the carpet when the sun comes up. You won’t be able to heal his world-weariness or wounds, but one day, he’ll write a damn hit single about your love story, win an award and make you the proudest rapper girlfriend of all times.
Hey, get out of that fantasy world of yours! Even if he is an emo rapper, he is still a man. And men don’t have feelings – especially those that are rappers. Duh! I don’t want to disappoint you, but your crushes image has only little to do with his personality. Sure, in reality, he might also be a melancholic person that spends lots of time thinking too much. But he won’t want to involve you into his thoughts. Revealing feelings means weakness to men and to women weakness means, we don’t want to be fucked.
But since emo rappers want to score, you should avoid trying to understand him. On the inside, he is a stubborn ten-year-old boy, who will rebel against your touchy-feely approach. Consider your shared time as superficial buddy time with fun talks and sexy benefits. You can only endure watching him cry himself to sleep for so long.
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